Sunday, 9 October 2016

A Letter To My Youngest

Dear my sweet final babe,

Being the youngest of five must be hard. Up until your older sibling starting nursery mornings, you've never had the luxury of my full undivided attention, nor have I had the pleasure of absorbing every inch of your greatness without any distractions.
Though for numerous reasons, our relationship didn't start off perfectly, you reeled me in with your big enchanting eyes, and it didn't take long for me to be head over heels in love with you.
The thing is, you being my final child is hard for me too. Not because I don't love and enjoy you-I feel those things more than you could ever imagine. Being a mother is all I've ever known, you and your siblings are part of me, you all make me who I am. And I'm terrified of who I will be and what purpose I will have when no one needs me to brush their teeth, when no one needs an injury kissed, when my days and nights are quiet and my house is tidy.
I blinked and you grew. All of you. I was born to be a mother, although some days I feel the strain, some days I shout (I'm sorry), some days its too much-being your mother is my favourite thing to do and be in the whole world.
With all these things said, when you start to be independent, I start to miss the days you would feed all day long, needing me, forcing me to bond with you  (thank you-it worked), I miss getting to know you, soaking in every last bit of your changing appearance, sniffing every fibre of you, soaking up every last minute, willing it to last a bit longer. But it doesn't. Its gone in a flash.
I don't think I will ever not want another baby. The feeling of another life kick and roll inside my stomach, the excitement of what's to come, the joy at seeing my family grow, and the older ones to have the gift of becoming a sibling again-that yearning just never goes away, not just for myself, but for us all. I want to give you the gift of being an older sibling-you'd be an amazing one. I want another chance to cling on to that raw love that we all experience, to see my families hearts expand and see everyone become this new unit. But I also want to soak you up. The last time you need to be cuddled to sleep won't be overshadowed by the exciting prospect of a new life. We can explore the world at your pace without me being too tired or sick from growing another person. Although it pains me to ever say you are my last, I'm excited for our future. I'm excited to watch you grow with your older siblings.
I'm excited to plan the things you were maybe too young to do before now. I'm looking forward to it just being 'us'.

The decision is bittersweet, and I don't think it will ever not hurt to call you my last baby. But you deserve my 100%. I promise not to take you for granted, I promise to enjoy every stage of your development, and I promise to love you as I love your siblings, and make all of your lives full of joy, a joy that maybe couldn't be fully reached when I'm preoccupied with a baby.

I'm sorry I wont ever give you the gift of being an older sibling, but I'll make sure our choice will be worthwhile for the whole family. We have an amazing future ahead of us, and who knows-as situations change and things just happen, maybe one day you may get to be the big brother you would be so good at being. But for now, our decision is final-you will remain our youngest, and I'm happy with that.

Mum, x

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